


So Near and Yet So Far

by Masculine_Man_Lover



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Bedside Hand-Holding, Character Death, Death, Depressing, Established Relationship, Heartache, Heartbreaking, Hurt/Comfort, Last Kiss, M/M, Sad, Sad With A Slightly Happy Ending, True Love, brief suicide mention, have tissues ready, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 14:05:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17530109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masculine_Man_Lover/pseuds/Masculine_Man_Lover
Summary: Ryan has a car accident and is given only a few hours to live. Jeremy stays by his side all the way and after all is said and done Ryan stays by Jeremy's side as well.





	1. Ripped Away

Ryan was on the highway, sipping a can of diet coke and bopping along to some Taylor Swift at the behest of Jeremy. Ryan knew his boyfriend wanted him to so desperately enjoy the stuff he did but it did prove to be a struggle in the music department. A rap song here, bubblegum pop there and all manner of different genres he hadn't even bothered looking into.  
  
Taking his eyes off the road for a brief second, Ryan glanced fondly at a picture the two had taken years ago on their first date in California of all places. Both of them smiling, holding hands on the Santa Monica pier. A moment captured so perfectly between the two that now they carried the same picture around everywhere as a reminder for just how much they cared about one another.  
  
Smiling, Ryan looked back at the road and was too late to notice the truck speeding his way on the wrong side of the lane and with a single "Oh, shit!" he attempted swerving to miss the collision but failed to do it fast enough and all at once his fate was sealed.  
  
On the other side of town Jeremy was touching up some last-minute pieces to a video the two were making of their time together over the past 5 years. It would be something to come back to every now and then as they were cuddled up together on the couch or in bed. Out of the corner of his eye he traced a picture of the two at Santa Monica pier with a happy smile. He wondered if Ryan would want it bigger on the wall somewhere, maybe just above the TV where anyone would see it and understand how close they truly were.  
  
"Ok, video's done. Time to give that lazy oaf a call." Jeremy announced out loud to himself, a habit he had picked up long ago once he began living on his own for the first time. Picking up the phone he speed-dialed his boyfriend and waited several moments before putting it down with a frown. "That's weird, he said he'd be on the highway heading back. Traffic must be a nightmare I guess."  
  
_Pounding... Blue and red lights flashing... Unintelligible voices speaking all at once... "Jeremy..."_  
  
After a couple hours passed Jeremy began pacing worriedly. All calls had gone unanswered and he knew there was something very wrong. Turning on the TV his eyes went wide as he saw a breaking news story Live from the highway Ryan was driving through. Grabbing the remote he turned up the volume and held his knees up to his chest for comfort.   
  
"Reports confirm the driver of the truck that has overturned on the freeway was highly intoxicated according to traffic camera footage that captured him stumbling out of a bar 10 minutes before this horrific crash, officials state that multiple cars were affected by the impact and that victims have been taken to a local hospital in critical condition. I'm getting word that they have arrived and are being tended to as we speak. This is Miranda Arton with the evening news. Back to the studio."  
  
Jeremy brought his hand up to his mouth, shaking. Not Ryan, not his Ryan. A ringing could then be heard nearby from his phone which Jeremy raced to in a flash. "Yes, hello?" The voice on the other end sounded very formal and well-versed in giving out bad information to people. "Hello, my name is Ron Angerssun from the inner city hospital. Am I speaking to a mister Jeremy Dooley?"  
  
Jeremy willed himself to keep calm and stay as articulate as possible. "Y-yes, this is he, him, Jeremy, that's me, yeah." Angerssun audibly exhaled and sounded as though he was adjusting a stack of papers on what Jeremy presumed was a desk he was sitting at. "Mr Dooley, I'm afraid I have bad news about a friend of yours, mister Ryan Haywood. He was in a car accident earlier not too long ago and was brought in to be treated. I would appreciate it if you could come down so that we may speak about this in person."  
  
Jeremy nodded, already up, grabbing his car keys and coat. "I'll be right there. Give me 30 minutes." With that he turned off the phone and jumped into his car, heading towards the hospital as quickly and safely as possible.  
  
"Hello, Mr Dooley. I'm doctor Angerssun, good to meet you." Extending his hand Angerssun gave a small sympathetic smile to the younger man who was fidgeting uncontrollably and couldn't seem to sit still. Jeremy did however shake the hand offered to him with a firm grip. "Hi, ummm, where is Ryan? Is he ok?"  
  
Angerssun sighed and leaned forward in his chair, hands folded on top of the table. "At first we anticipated that he would have some particular injuries associated with this kind of trauma. What we weren't expecting was the severity of Mr Haywood's injuries."   
  
Jeremy cocked his head and bit his lip. "His name's Ryan and please don't beat around the bush, doc. I've had too many of you do that to me before and it just made things worse. Tell me plain and simple: is he going to be ok?"  
  
Angerrsun glanced down at the papers stacked neatly on his table absent-mindedly before composing himself again. "Ryan has severe internal bleeding sustained from the impact. We tried all we could but he only has a few hours left as of now. I'm sorry."  
  
Jeremy felt his lip quivering, tears threatening to fall. Why was this happening? "We were going to watch The Avengers tonight. I-I already got out the lasagna for dinner to make sure we'd have time to just talk about our day..."  
  
Angerssun stared at Jeremy with sad eyes that had clearly seen this before. "Jeremy, I think you should be in there with him now. Do you have any friends or family I can call?"  
  
The younger man sniffed and nodded before giving the contact details for the rest of the crew who would probably be sleeping at this hour anyway.  **"We should be sleeping side by side right now."** Jeremy thought angrily.  
  
Angerssun took the details down and stood up, lightly touching a hand to Jeremy's shoulder. "Follow me, I'll take you to where he is."  
  
The sterile corridors he walked down felt like an eternity of white walls, reflective floors and the sounds of people all around. Sad, happy, distant. All containing a story of sadness not unlike his own at this very moment and yet he couldn't care less right now. All he needed was to see Ryan. Suddenly an idea sparked into his mind and he pinched himself hard. "Ow!" Jeremy said under his breath.  **"Course it's not a fucking dream. Stupid."**  
  
Finally they made it to Ryan's room where he sat, staring out the window at the lights below going by. Jeremy whimpered slightly at the sight of him covered in cuts and bruises but otherwise looking like his normal self.  **"He can't be dying. Dying people look sick or a lot worse than this. He'll be fine, surely."**  
  
Angerrsun patted Jeremy on the back and ushered him inside before walking away, clearly returning to his office and whatever life he led away from this. Tentatively stepping forward he became aware of the mechanical beeping, the occasional drip from a bag of fluids attached to Ryan's arm, the distant siren signifying yet another tragedy somewhere else in the city.  
  
"H-hey buddy. I'm here." Jeremy sat down in the chair next to the bed and reached out for the other man's hand. Ryan slowly turned to face him and smiled slightly, eyes crinkled but warm at the sight of who he loved. "Hey Lil' J. Come here often?"   
  
Jeremy laughed for the first time that day and blinked away more tears. "You're such a fucking dork, you know that? How do you feel?"  
  
Ryan appeared in thought for a moment before replying bluntly. "Like I've got a tube in my arm, a thousand monkeys fucking inside my skull and that goddamn Taylor Swift song playing over and over. I blame you for that last one though."  
  
Jeremy chuckled nervously, not entirely sure of what to say. "Uhhh, well you know? I just wanted to expand your repertoire of music. Felt like you could use something different."  
  
Ryan nodded, eyes focused on his and Jeremy's hands linked together. "Is this the last time I'll ever get to hold you like this? It's not fucking fair."  
  
Jeremy sniffed and wiped his eyes. Lying had never been his strong suit but it was time to give Ryan a bit of hope. "Of course not you idiot. The doctor said it'll take some time but you'll recover like you always do. Takes more than a truck on the highway to kill Ryan Haywood after all."  
  
Ryan looked away briefly, not seeming to believe what the other was saying but then turned back and pumped up his fist. "Hell yeah, I'm invincible baby. Nothin's gonna take me down unless it's so cool that everyone in the world stops to stare."  
  
Jeremy smiled wide and kisses Ryan's hand. "There you go, this time next week we'll be laying in bed laughing about the whole thing. No doubt about it."  
  
The two continued like that for awhile, both keeping each other's spirits up until Ryan noticed Jeremy beginning to get sleepy after being awake for so long. "You should rest, there's a couch over there near the window that might be comfy."  
  
Jeremy was about to argue but his drowsy mind won over in the end. "Ok fine, but promise you'll wake me up so we can watch the sunrise together."  
  
Ryan nodded and pulled the younger man in for a kiss which felt just right in the moment. "Promise. I love you Jeremy."   
  
Jeremy curled up with a cosy blanket on the couch, yawning loudly. "Love you too you big lug. See you in the morning." As he drifted off he became aware of Ryan singing a song quietly to him, one of the best ways for him to fall asleep which he did almost instantly. Soon enough there was silence in the room, apart from the gentle drip, the monotone beeping and Jeremy's barely audible snoring.   
  
Jeremy became aware of people talking outside the room which woke him up from his restful sleep. Annoyed, he rolled over and grunted. "Ryan, turn off the TV. I'm not ready to get up yet."  
  
At first he assumed he was still in their bed at home, until the telltale sounds of the hospital met his ears. He immediately became aware of two sounds that were missing; the drip and the beeping. Aside from the voices outside, there was silence in the room. "No no no." Jeremy repeated with his eyes closed.  
  
Opening them finally he found the room bathed in a golden glow of morning sunlight that cascaded through, making the sterile hospital room and equipment appear much more warm and welcoming. Then his gaze landed upon the figure of Ryan, hands folded on top of the white bedsheet, his form peaceful and content.   
  
Jeremy got to his feet shakily and slowly shuffled over. The man he loved was bathed in that beautiful light, making him seem angelic and otherworldly, a sleeping work of art that should never be glimpsed by mortal eyes. But then Jeremy became aware of something awful, something so impossible that it couldn't be real. "He's not breathing..."  
  
Touching his hand Jeremy was taken aback by how cold Ryan was. For all the warmth the sun can give, there is no amount of life that can be given to that which is dead. "I'm not-not ready to let you go. Come on, Ryan. Please? We were going to laugh about all this, you promised me you'd wake me up so we could watch the sunrise together."  
  
It was now that he let the tears fall, a seemingly endless torrent of pain and sorrow at the loss of one so dear. And yet there on the bedside table was the picture of the two on the Santa Monica pier all those years ago. Jeremy cradled it in his hands, remembering all the memories of their life together. The good, the bad and the amazing all wrapped up in a portion of existence he could never forget.   
  
Now back home after everything is sorted, the funeral, the sympathy of his friends and the heartache that seemed permanently etched into his being, Jeremy lies down in bed with the video he made of all they had done together for so many years. He laughs, he cries, he gets angry and curses all the whims and follies of life for allowing this to happen but at the end he still cradles that picture close, now part of a scrapbook. The Life and Love of Jeremy and Ryan.  
  
And at dawn every day Jeremy stands on his balcony outside, content in knowing that at least in spirit Ryan will always be there watching it alongside him.


	2. Bright Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan's last moments from his perspective.

Upon waking up Ryan became aware of his surroundings with a slightly blurred vision making everything appear like a surrealist painting. The hazy shimmer of car headlights in the distance outside the rectangular window, the steady dripping coming from the bag with a tube connected to his forearm and the monotonous beeping tone signifying to his relief that his heart was indeed still beating strong.  
  
His face was sore and he regretted bringing up his fingers to touch at the cuts and bruises which reacted instantly with a searing pain upon contact. Sighing he looked toward the hallway, noticing several doctors and nurses going past with barely a glance into his room. Ryan couldn't help feeling a pang of jealousy and resentment at the sight of people up and walking around who hadn't had the misfortune of being in a stupid car crash. There was also a touch of guilt at thinking such an unfair thought but everything about today so far had been the very definition of unfair.  
  
 **"Wonder when I'll be allowed to come home. I know Jeremy will be freaking out by now."** The thought of Jeremy immediately brought a tender smile to Ryan's face as it always did. He was just that kind of person who could light up a room purely by walking into it. A magnetic, beautiful soul who only wanted the best for other people, making them laugh and be happy no matter what the situation was.  
  
Suddenly Ryan was brought out of his own thoughts by a man in about his early 40's wearing a white labcoat walking in and taking a seat. "Hello Mr Haywood, I'm Doctor Angerssun. How are you feeling right now?"   
  
Ryan breathed in deeply, wincing slightly at a persistent twinge in his chest. "I've been better. Not exactly been the greatest day if I'm being honest."  
  
Angerssun smiled sympathetically and nodded in understanding. "Well, I appreciate you not putting up a front. Many people come through here thinking it's a good idea to make it seem as though they're perfectly fine. The human ego is a truly fascinating and tragic by-product of existence."   
  
Ryan let his eyes wander briefly, feeling a little out of his depth with this doctor. "Uhhh, yeah. Could I possibly make a phone call? I'd like to let my boyfriend know I'm ok."  
  
Angerssun sighed and sat forward, hands clasped together. "Mr Haywood-" "Call me Ryan." the other man interjected quickly. "Ryan, your boyfriend has already been notified of the situation and he's on his way."  
  
At hearing this, Ryan sighed in relief and smiled. "Awesome! So when can I go? It doesn't seem too bad what happened to me."  
  
Angerssun shook his head and met Ryan's gaze with his own. "Ryan, we did everything for you that was humanly possible but I'm afraid the internal damage you sustained was too severe. It saddens me to say that these are the last few hours of your life. Rest assured we've made it so that you will be as comfortable as can be and eventually you'll just drift off. It will feel no different than falling asleep."  
  
Ryan blinked a few times in confusion before staring back with a heated expression. "You mean I'm just gonna die here? I should be curled up with Jeremy watching The Avengers right now, eating lasagna and laughing when some of it drops on his shirt. I'm not supposed to be lying in a hospital bed being told that in a few hours I'm going to be dead."  
  
Angerssun stood up and gave Ryan's shoulder a comforting squeeze. "I am sorry Ryan, truly. If there is anything else we can do-" "Yeah, you can get the fuck out and leave me alone." the other man interrupted harshly, shaking off Angerssun's hand and resolving to stare out the window at the cars going by far away.  
  
The doctor sighed once more but turned around and began walking out of the room until a nurse popped her head in and whispered silently to him. "A mister Jeremy Dooley is in your office, Doctor." Angerssun nodded and looked back at Ryan again. "Thank you Patricia, I'll be right down."  
  
Ryan knew Jeremy was there before he even began walking into the room, a siren in the distance roared its shrill telltale sound of trouble out there for someone else and Ryan was reminded how unimportant he was in this moment, just another casualty of accidents and problems occurring for others every day out in the world.   
  
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeremy take a seat and shift momentarily, not used to the unfamiliar chair he was forced to use. "H-hey buddy. I'm here." Ryan swallowed back a whimper at the sound of his boyfriend's voice but resolved to look at him with a smile and take the hand offered to him. "Hey Lil J. Come here often?" Jokes were always a coping mechanism but in this instance he knew levity would make things better, at least for a little while.  
  
It seemed to be the right call because Jeremy lit up and began laughing his signature hearty laugh filled with glee and warmth. "You're such a fucking dork, you know that? How do you feel?"  
  
Ryan pondered the question briefly.  **"I feel like shit, angry that I'm going to die, fucking heartbroken that I'm leaving you here alone and It's not fair."** Finally he decided on the blunt dry-wit approach. "Like I've got a tube in my arm, a thousand monkeys fucking inside my skull and that goddamn Taylor Swift song playing over and over. I blame you for that last one though."  
  
Jeremy's response this time was less than ideal, a nervous chuckle that gave away his worry and vulnerability. "Uhhh, well you know? I just wanted to expand your repertoire of music. Felt like you could use something different."  
  
 **"Repertoire? Lil J's pulling out the big words here."** Ryan nodded and gazed downwards at the way their hands were locked together like a puzzle that fit perfectly every time regardless of the situation. His mind went to a dark place and he felt himself slipping into a depressed state of being. "Is this the last time I'll ever get to hold you like this? It's not fucking fair."  
  
Looking back at Jeremy he regretted what he said, the younger of the two sniffled and began wiping his eyes with his free hand. Ryan however was surprised by the response he got. "Of course not you idiot. The doctor said it'll take some time but you'll recover like you always do. Takes more than a truck on the highway to kill Ryan Haywood after all."  
  
Ryan turned away and fought back even more tears this time. Jeremy didn't know he'd already been told by the doctor.  **"I can't let him see me giving up. He needs to remember me as strong and full of courage or he won't make it through this."** Turning back to face his boyfriend he pumped up his fist in an exaggerated fashion, fighting through the pain he felt in his side. "Hell yeah, I'm invincible baby. Nothin's gonna take me down unless it's so cool that everyone in the world stops to stare."  
  
This was the right choice of words for sure, as Jeremy grinned like a madman and kissed Ryan's hand lovingly.  **"I'll miss this so much."** he thought mournfully. "There you go, this time next week we'll be laying in bed laughing about the whole thing. No doubt about it."  
  
Ryan smiled back affectionately, happy to indulge in this naive outlook compared to the grim reality of what was transpiring. After awhile Ryan noticed Jeremy was struggling to keep his eyes open, not willing to let go of his boyfriend's hand.  **"His rest is more important right now."**  "You should rest, there's a couch over there near the window that might be comfy."  
  
Jeremy looked ready to fight Ryan on his proposal of sleep but too many late nights over the years had taught him that taking care of himself was the right thing to do. Ryan was relieved when the younger man got to his feet and stretched like a cat. "Ok fine, but promise you'll wake me up so we can watch the sunrise together."  
  
Ryan nodded and pulled Jeremy down to him, delighting in the always powerful experience of kissing the man he loved more than anything in the world. Sadness still tugged at his mind but he won over for the last thing he would ever say to the other man. "Promise. I love you Jeremy."   
  
He watched Jeremy groggily walk over to the couch where a blanket had already been set up by one of the staff and smiled seeing his boyfriend get comfortable under them. "Love you too you big lug. See you in the morning."  
  
Ryan was momentarily taken aback and about to say something but just like that he could hear the sound of Jeremy's quiet breathing, a sound that cut through all the others as an anchor to his own peace of mind. It was now that Ryan allowed himself to shed the tears he had held back silently, into the pillow.  **"I'm sorry Jeremy, I'm so so sorry. Please live a good life when I'm gone."**  
  
As morning approached and Ryan saw the first rays of sunlight creep over the horizon he remembered his promise of waking Jeremy so they could watch it together but as he attempted to speak, something stopped him. He was floating, above the bed in the middle of the room. Looking down he took in the now lifeless body he had inhabited for many years being surrounded by various doctors, one of which was Doctor Angerssun.  
  
Surprisingly the flatlining, the chattering by the doctors and the walking around the room went completely unnoticed by Jeremy, who slept through it all like a baby. Ryan watched as they placed his hands in a clasped position to give the illusion of a death that went by with contentment and serenity. And yet, here and now he still felt overwhelming anger, sadness and despair.  
  
Ryan wasn't religious and had never truly believed in an idea of any afterlife but now staring death in the face he felt more scared than ever before when he was alive. Before he had time to process anything though he found himself being pulled outside into the crisp morning air which he could still feel somehow. All at once he was one with everything around him; every blade of grass, every drop of dew and every ray of sunshine.  
  
His worries about himself melted away and were replaced by a sense of completeness. Something inside him knew that he was where he needed to be and that place was by Jeremy's side in life and death no matter what. Soaring back to the hospital he watched with a heavy heart as his love weeped over the former body he inhabited. Even though he knew Jeremy wouldn't feel it physically, he hugged him in earnest and spread a small portion of his own acceptance and love back to him.  
  
Ryan performed the same act at his own funeral and at any time Jeremy would become angry, sad, frustrated or lost. He became overjoyed when he saw the younger man finally finished their scrapbook, so many years together captured in a single place to return to at any time.  
  
One day Jeremy walks out to the balcony and contemplates the thought only for a second of jumping over the side to the pavement below but Ryan is right there, arms wrapped around him feeding him that life essence to keep going and not give up.   
  
Ever since that day, Ryan would always be by Jeremy's side to watch the dawn. After all he made a promise and he intended to keep it until the day Jeremy passed away and they could be with one another again forever and ever...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And because I clearly want to torture myself I just had to write this scene from Ryan's point of view.  
> The chapter name and inspiration comes from the song Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel from that oh so cheery film Watership Down.  
> Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, I don't know why I decided to write this because I tend to hate sad stories but I figured I needed to make my own attempt at it. Thank you for reading.  
> Also not going to lie, I did start crying once I was finished. This is the most emotional, depressing thing I have ever written and yet I am happy with it.


End file.
